This morning, on the way to work, I pretended to be deaf.
I was walking up 16th Street, on a crowded sidewalk, and this church lady who was about two yards away from me started yelling, "Excuse me! Excuse me!"
I assumed that she was just a belligerent tourist, so I stopped in front of her and looked at her quizzically, expecting her to ask me for directions. But it became clear, due to the frantic sweeping motions she was making with her hands, that she felt I was in her way. I was deeply offended because I pride myself on being a good city pedestrian. I don't just go walking into people. In fact, I can slide right through dense school groups without so much as brushing one of their matching shirts. I had plenty of time to adjust my course this morning--and anyway, if she was so worried about getting touched, she could have adjusted hers.
So I did what any normal person would do. I feigned a disability to make her feel guilty. Drawing on my 6th grade education, where I learned to sign Whitney Houston classics*, I told her, "I believe the children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way." I also made an angry face at her before stomping off toward the Columbia Heights metro.
Is she a crazy bitch or what?
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* I did not, however, learn multiplication tables, long division, or how to spell anything.
Friday, November 17, 2006
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4 comments:
Sometimes, I will try to walk around with my eyes closed to get a sense of what it would be like to be blind. I'll walk from one end of the office to another to see how far I can get without bumping into wall. I invariably open my eyes too soon, so I still don't have a good sense as to how awesome I would be at being blind. I've also tried being deaf by putting my fingers in my ears, but I can still hear through my fingers.
What I really wonder is what it's like to make out with somebody who is deaf, blind, or both. Said person would probably have superior tactile abilities. Also with the blind person you could stick brale to your body, so that when you embrace he/she gets small messages, such as "Did you lock the front door?" or "Maybe we should see other people."
Yeah, but you risk miscommunication when they reach the bumps on your ass.
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